Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. Childbirth is a beautiful thing. I mean seriously, how romantic and miraculous is it that a woman and a man are able to create another human being (or even multiple human beings) that is half you and half your favorite person in the world? That these human beings start off no bigger than the tiny tip of a needle and eventually grow to be full size adults capable of so much? It’s amazing. It’s beautiful. And it’s also disgusting and weird and involves a lot of “why the helllllllll is this happening to me” for the woman…
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I could go on for days about this subject, but to keep myself in check I will only highlight my top three “WTFs” of postpartum motherhood so far, and the 9 months of pregnancy that I just completed.
Pregnancy WTF #1: Seeing that blue line is surreal, no matter how much you wanted to be pregnant
-We were very, very lucky. We didn’t have to try for very long before I was blessed with a positive test. We had the conversations. We were planning this and consciously wanting to start our family. But boy, was I not expecting how scary seeing that positive test would be. I did the test by myself, got in the shower and cried tears of fear as “wtf did we just do?!” ran through my mind. Our lives felt pretty complete. We travel. We have great friends. We have fun. Why did we decide to rock the boat? Then, I thought to myself, I can’t have another beer or glass of wine for 9 months. Crap! I waited to tell Mitch the next day, because I wanted to do something special. I think we both had many moments of panic, but then were able to become excited and enjoy the process.
Pregnancy WTF #2: I think I single handedly paid for the retirement of the Always Pantyliner’s CEO
Well, enough said.
Pregnancy WTF #3: We “got what we wanted, right?”
Prior to finding out we were having a little man, we definitely both were hoping for a boy. A few of our close friends had found out they were having boys, and the thought of our child having a small group of close friends all of his life was so fun to think about. Mitch was lucky enough to have a close knit group of friends growing up – who he remains close friends with to this day – and I really wanted that for our child. We kind of figured we would end up having a girl, since we were hoping so much for a boy. So when we popped the balloon and it was blue, I was happy – yes. But, I also was kind of sad. I’d also kind of wanted it to be a girl. I’ve had dreams of being able to have a little girl to teach to play volleyball, to play dress up with, pick out prom dresses for, and to have as close of a friendship with as I have with my own mother. As long as God agrees, I don’t think we are done building our family. And I just hope a little girl is in the future plans!
Postpartum WTF #1: They hand you this baby in the hospital, give you a few breastfeeding pointers, and ship you home in a day and a half with some thick pads, a spray bottle, and a tiny human who can’t talk
Thank God Cole was a healthy big boy and my delivery went very well, so we only had to stay overnight two nights. However, I remember that last night in the hospital being so scared to go home. I kept thinking, “I can’t do this knowing a nurse isn’t a button away”. And honestly, that drive home from the hospital was scary too. I couldn’t believe we’d just become parents and we were going home to figure this little man out by ourselves. I never Googled so much stuff in my entire life as I did those first few days home (thank God they don’t charge). One of my friends told me to ask the nurses as many questions as I could while I was there, but it’s funny how sometimes I felt like I didn’t even know what to ask! The truth is, so much of parenting is just trial and error, patience, prayer, and taking it one day at a time.
Postpartum WTF #2: The baby blues are real, and really hard
So I’m going to get serious for a minute. When I read about or was told about the “baby blues” I really wasn’t sure what that meant. Friends even said “your hormones will be all out of whack”, and I thought to myself “oh ok”, and didn’t know the magnitude of it all. For the first few weeks, I was a hot mess. Crying at least 10 times a day, very often totally sobbing. Sometimes I knew why I was crying (more exhausted than I’d ever been, physically in pain in a lot of places, scared I wasn’t doing something right, unsure how to deal with Cole’s crying, unsure what he needed, anxiety through the roof, etc.), but there were many times I had no idea why I was crying. And honestly, I had feelings of doubt. Feelings of regret. As a first time mom stuck in the thick of it made it very hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, especially when you have no idea how long the tunnel is. It was the most difficult few weeks of my life, and I’m so thankful I had an amazing village to support me through it.
Postpartum WTF #3: Did I brush my teeth today? When was my last shower? How many days straight have I worn these sweatpants?
In the first few weeks after coming home, these were real questions I asked myself. And surely most moms fresh out of the hospital with a newborn ask themselves the same things. Some days I wouldn’t even get around to making breakfast until 11:30am. Most days I made coffee, and reheated it at least 4 times before finishing it. I went from showering and washing my hair every single day, to showering every other day and washing my hair….. occasionally. It’s amazing how when you have a baby to care for, you truly let yourself go – and for the most part, you’re ok with it.
As I’m sitting here finishing this blog post, I’m rocking Cole to sleep. I took an extra long look at his precious little face, and try so hard to memorize every line and curve. With Thanksgiving being just a few days away, we have so much more to be thankful for this year.
As You Can See, I’m New At This.. 